There is a wall around my heart, built up over years of hurt and abuse and shame. On my way to healing, I need to break it down, piece by piece, and let God fill me back up. But first, I need to identify what those pieces are - the "bricks".
I know that God wants to be my wall of protection, rather than me putting up my own walls. Psalm 61:3 says, "For You have been a shelter and a refuge for me, a strong tower against the adversary." Self-protection not only pushes others away, it isolates me from the world as well as God's love and protection and healing grace. Self-protection - building my own wall - keeps me out of God's shelter, refuge and strong tower. Oh how I need His grace!
My early childhood was robbed from me. I don't say that to put blame on my parents and sit on a pity pot, but rather to state a fact. The first 4 years of my life were spent moving over 10 times, across multiple states and with almost no money or means of income. My father was a controlling, verbally abusive, psychotic mess who kept my mother in fear and isolation. He dragged us along with him as he ran from every situation that didn't go as he wanted. On my 4th birthday, he dropped my mother and I off at a truck stop in Las Vegas and said he never wanted to see us again. He was arrested shortly after and my mother was able to gather the courage to divorce him and return home to Kansas.
I had no stability whatsoever. I had no security. I heard more arguing and yelling from my parents than any loving words of affirmation. I had no guidance, discipline, structure, routine, and very little positive attention. I was more like a suitcase than a child.
My only fond memories of those early years are those of my parents on stage singing in bars (I didn't know they were bars when I was that young). I would walk around and everyone in the crowd would pay attention to me in a very kind and loving way. I was so "cute". My parents sang songs about me that expressed their love and devotion to me and I would dance and everyone would applaud.
When my mother remarried the man I now lovingly and truthfully call "Dad", I was 5 years old. From then on, we had stability. I was able to grow up in a safe home. But, through much prayer and seeking God recently - seeking for a way to break down the wall I've built around my heart - I've had the revelation of the effects the trauma of those unstable and scary first years had on my life.
I subconsciously buried those beginning years and never allowed all of me to grow up. Without a safe and firm foundation on which to build my life, I turned every hurt, embarrassment, offence, and emotional affliction into a "brick" and stacked it up on my wall.
It's not as easy as "moving out" from behind my wall and "moving in" to God's strong tower of protection. My wall goes all the way around my soul, so I am now trapped in my own tower of isolation. The wall must come down before God can build His. I don't have to knock it down alone, though! Praise God! God is meeting me where I am. He's helping me identify each and every brick, one at a time so I'm not overwhelmed with the guilt and shame of each painful memory. Then, he'll take those bricks and toss them out as far as the east is from the west and begin to build His own, perfect and complete wall of protection around my heart! Oh He is worthy of praise! I only have to remain in faith, and continue to yield myself to Him and His perfect ways of tenderness and grace.
Phillippians 1:6, "And I am convinced and sure of this very thing: that He Who began a good work in me will continue until the day of Jesus Christ (right up to the time of His return), developing (that good work) and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in me."
God has already begun to work on my heart. I am in the brick making kiln of redemptive time. Into my veins He pumps the life-giving mortar of grace and truth. While molding each new brick, He sifts out evil and brings me back to a holy state. I don't know how long this process will take; I only know that I am expected to participate actively in it, and I don't get any protective gloves or goggles. Growing up in the image of God hurts - a lot. But the pain is so much better when I know the end result is being made complete, lacking no good thing! "Consider it wholly joyful, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and patience. But let patience have its full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be people perfectly and fully developed (with no defects), lacking in nothing. If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God Who gives to everyone liberally and not grudgingly..." - James 1:2-5
God has begun to rebuild my shaky foundation by equipping me with the grace to be a successful child care provider and preschool teacher. I am so blessed by this revelation! Through me, God is able to provide both the kids' needs and mine at the same time! Only He is capable of that! All kids need to feel completely safe first, then loved, and then they can learn. I never had that as a young child, but God is relaying that foundation in my heart and working through me to provide it to other kids all for His greater purpose and glory!
Isaiah 55:8-9, "for My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are My ways your ways, says the Lord. For as the Heavens are higher than the Earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts."
Romans 8:28, "For we are assured and know that (God being a partner in their labor) all things work together and are (fitting in to a plan) for the good of those who love God and are called according to His design and plan."
I can't wait to see what God has planned!
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