Joshua Naphtali

Joshua Naphtali.
Translated from Hebrew, it means "the Lord saves me from my struggle".
Jay is not an accident.
Nothing about Jay is an accident.
Joshua Naphtali.
The Lord saves me from my struggle with myself by giving me Jay.
Every day.  The Lord saves me, from myself.
It is as true now as it was the day Jay was born - or the day I found out I was pregnant.
Joshua Naphtali.
The Lord saves me from my struggle
every day
by giving me Jay.

I have what the world calls "OCD".  I joke about it with those who know me and care for me, but its really a serious matter.  When something is just an inch out of place, I notice - and it bothers me.  Like a knife in my side.  When something is turned wrong, or a pile is not "neat" or when things are a-symmetrical, I notice - and it bothers me.  I fume inside until it is fixed.  I can't focus on anything else until the balance is reset.

Then Jay.  Joshua Naphtali.  Jay comes sweeping in with what I've viewed - until now - as chaos.  He plays "messy" games.  He makes up rules on the spot - then changes them as he goes along.  He gets things out and insists on not putting them away - and when I get angry and start yelling about the mess, he half-hardheartedly puts things back... which irritates me more.  Until tonight, I have just thrown my hands in the air and blamed his behaviors on one of his list of diagnoses.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Anxiety Disorder
Sensory Processing Disorder
Genius Intelligence
Social/Emotional Developmental Delays
.... take your pick.
None of them define who Jay is.  None of them help him learn to be who God has called him to be.  None of them help me do my job as his mother to call out the gifts God has put in him.

Tonight, I had a revelation.  A deep revelation from God that shed so much light on my relationship with my son and with God Himself that I wept.  Sobbed.  Cried out to my Father - the One who set all this in motion knowing full well the outcome before I ever stepped foot on this Earth.

I can not even begin to put it all into words, but here's my best effort:
Joshua Naphtali.  The name God gave me to give to Jay before he was born.  At the time, I just thought I was struggling with myself in my situation.  I was barely 21 and had just come out of a roller-coaster adolescence. After being emotionally and sexually abused and neglected by men who were supposed to be leaders in my life, alcohol and sex became my gods.  I was desperately seeking to find someone - anyone - to fill my heart with the love that a father should have given me.  I thought when I discovered my pregnancy and re-dedicated my life to the Lord that it was my past that God was saving me from.  My struggle with my past and the decisions I had made while living away from Him.
How little I knew.
Joshua Naphtali.
The Lord did save me from my struggle with my past and with my self-annihilating decisions.  But that was not even close to the end of what He has saved me from.... what He saves me from every single day.

I've always told Jay that I chose his name because I was struggling with myself when I became pregnant with him.  I tell him that God gave him to me to save me from those struggles and to get me to turn my life around and begin a life of serving Him instead of myself - or really, the enemy. (Corinthians: "We wrestle not with flesh and blood...") I tell Jay that God saved me from those struggles by giving him to me.  And every word of that is true.  But there is so much more.  (Isaiah: "God's ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts...") 

God gave me Jay to push my buttons.  To put me to the test.  Every.  Single.  Day.
God is refining me.  Putting me on the fire - like gold - to draw out my imperfections and make me pure.  He needs me to stand through these tests and come out stronger so I can be equipped to call out the amazing gifts He has instilled inside Jay.  (James 1 "count it all joy, brethren, when you encounter various tests and trials.  Because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance, steadfastness, and patience, and when endurance, steadfastness and patience have their perfect work in you, you will be complete, lacking NO GOOD THING.")

I can not encourage Jay to be all that God has called him to be by freaking out over a box of toys on the floor that is one inch out of place.  But that one inch bothers me - and Jay is currently incapable of putting anything away to my extremely meticulous standards.  He doesn't have it in him - he needs me to be patient and understanding enough to teach him and allow him practice.

God gave me Jay to give me exercises - as many as it takes - in self-control.  (Proverbs:  In your anger, do not sin... do not let the sun go down on your wrath...)  I have what the world calls "explosive" type anger.  Jay has what the world calls "Sensory Processing Disorder."  When there is loud, chaotic noise, he breaks down.  Cries.  Throws a toddler temper tantrum with a very large and muscular nine-year-old body.  He is overly sensitive to noise, and under sensitive to touch - constantly seeking to rub a crocheted blanket or stuffed animal in his hands. (everything has a balance.  "God is a God of order.")  When I'm angry, I yell. Its my adult version of a temper tantrum.  He can not receive instruction when he's fighting a physical pain in his head from the level of my voice.

Joshua Naphtali.  God is refining me.  Every.  Single.  Day.

He's hyper when I'm tired.  God is refining me.
He's impulsive and unfocused when I'm fussing about things out of place.  God is refining me.
He was created with an extremely strong will - for God's purposes but needs a LOT of guidance and direction - when I'm panicking about him not following my directions quietly and peacefully.  God is refining me.
He's scared to meet new people, or to start a new "anything" that involves other kids (soccer team, church group, dance class, etc) when I just want to keep him active and social.  God is refining me.
He shuts down and can not understand what I'm saying when I'm yelling and lecturing.  God is refining me.
He seeks comfort in little crocheted mini-blankets and sucks his thumb when anything bothers him.  God is refining me.
He is so quick to learn things while I struggle to be his teacher.  God is refining me.

Jay and I are so opposite in so many ways.  Joshua Naphtali.  The Lord saves me from my struggle through Jay in so many ways I can not list or even think of them all at the same time.

Lord, I pray that from this day on You help me to see Your plan in what I've previously viewed as chaos - or an attack of the devil on me through Jay.  Help me to see Your work in our lives.  Help me to be a good example to Jay as someone who desires to please You only and who seeks You first, and who leans on You when I am weak.  Help me to see YOU in Jay.  For You created him in my womb, and You know every hair on his head.  You created him exactly as you wanted him, and You created me exactly as you wanted me.  You gave him to me, so that in my weakness I would turn to You to rescue me.  You gave him to me to guide and teach him in Your ways because Your plan for him is great. Lord, I praise you in every struggle, every test, every fire, because I know You are there to save me.
Joshua Naphtali.
In Jesus' Mighty Name I pray, Amen.

Joshua Naphtali.   My son, God's amazing grace.