Receiving

I've been put down and emotionally abused my whole life.... did I really accept that as who I am? I sometimes still see traces of that lingering in me...

I got saved when I was very young, but didn't start living for God until 2004 - after I found out I was pregnant.  It's taken me a long time to accept who I am IN Christ. I think the enemy still tries to bring back the old me, or my old ways of thinking about myself to keep me from stepping into what God has planned for me.

I have to renew my mind daily - hourly or more often sometimes - to the Word of God to stay focused. To stay reminded of who I really am and what I have IN Christ and what I can do with Christ IN me.

But I still have trouble receiving love....
God is love. So if I have trouble receiving love, then I have trouble receiving God.

I often feel like I should be able to do life on my own. But I always fail so then I feel like I just lived up to all the expectations my family has ever had of me. Every time I ask my family for help, I get ridiculed, belittled, persecuted, put down and then rejected. Growing up this way has hardened my heart & made it near impossible for me to trust anyone will help me do anything just out of love.  when I do ask someone for help, I always feel so guilty just for asking, then I feel like I need to pay or reward them in some way if they say yes.

I know God wants me to need Him, & to rely on Him. I just don't know how.... yet.
"Lord, I believe Your Word! Help me overcome my unbelief!"

God, I thank You that You are a relational God & that You have designed me to be IN relationship with You & with others. God, You know why that kind of relationship is hard for me. You know all the experiences that keep me from bonding. You see the wall those past events have formed around my heart and I know You are helping me to break that wall down while replacing it with Your protective wall built of love, trust & safety. I know Your Word teaches about love, and I am aware of the great benefits that come when we humans are able to bond with one another & with You. Please use what I'm learning to free me from those events in the past that keep me from attaching to You & to other people the way I want to. I pray in Jesus' mighty Name!