I hate failing. I want to be and do so many things - as you can see from my list a couple days ago - and I guess I don't know how to wait and do them in some kind of orderly manner so I just try them all at the same time and give up the ones that become too taxing or seem too difficult to see to completion. When I give something up that I started, I then feel like I failed in that area.
I hate failing. I hate the look in my Dad's eyes when I tell him I "changed my mind" or "I'm not doing that anymore". He's a man of few words; but his eyes say everything. I've spent the better part of my life - and all of my adult life - trying to prove to my Dad that I love him and that I'm not a failure. He didn't fail in raising me. I caused him so much pain and stress in my teen years that he stopped looking at me to protect himself from further pain.
Pastor Mark Hankins once said, "when you get born again you not only become a new person, but you become a new KIND of person! 1 Corinthians says 'old things are passed away (dead), and ALL things have become new'. When you got born again, you became a completely different kind of creature - you became so different that Jesus has to introduce you to your new self!"
This is me. Jesus Christ changed my definition of "I". He changed my identity.... but my Dad doesn't see it because he doesn't see me. I sometimes find it hard to connect with Father God because I have had so much trouble throughout my life connecting with my Daddy. So, even though I KNOW my God has a plan for my life that is way better than anything I could possibly think up for myself (He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all I could ask or even imagine!), I still have trouble submitting to that because I'm constantly trying to prove to my Dad that I'm here, I'm working hard, and I'm worth something and he had a major part in that.
So, I guess my first step is to renew my mind to the Word of God every day on this subject alone until it becomes real to me. I am a daughter of the Most High God. I am victorious. I am completely healed in my body and in my soul. I have a supply for all my needs - physical, financial, and emotional. God blesses the work of my hands and grants me the wisdom, favor, and grace to succeed in everything I do.
Once I fully identify with who I am IN Christ, it will be impossible for me to feel like a failure. Pastor Mark Hankins is going to be my best friend for the upcoming weeks! Good thing, too, because he makes me roll on the floor laughing and joy is never a bad thing! We may be killing two (or more) birds with one stone here! Pastor Mark says, "God wants to do many things in your life, and often you just ask Him for one or two at a time. God can walk and chew gum at the same time!" I've got a list of things that need help in my life - need to be arranged and ordered and I believe only God can order them in a way that will see them all complete and successful. I"m ready for my miracle!
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